I’m not sure there are many people, if any, that will escape the experience of loss or heartbreak in their lifetime.
I’m not sure there are many people that haven’t typed in ‘how to get over a heartbreak’ ‘how to get over someone you love’ or ‘how to move on’ to Google in their lifetime… at least once.
I see you. I’ve been there. Losing someone that you love sucks, whether it was your choice or not.
How to get over heartbreak, how to get over a break up, how to get over someone and how to get over someone you love are all things we learn, with experience. No one comes into this human experience knowing how to do it. We live, we love and we learn.
I promise you, the pain you feel will not last forever, it’s absolutely within your power to transform it and to move forward into a life filled with joy, love and hope once again.
However much pain you are in right now, however much you don’t feel it will end, I want to first assure you that heartbreak and the loss of someone you love (be it a friend, partner, family member) is an inevitable part of our human experience.
Loss doesn’t have to be losing someone to death either, it can be just as painful to get over someone that you love whilst they are still alive. But know this, heartbreak and grief are a sure sign that you are alive. It’s a sure sign that connection to yourself and to others whilst you are on this earth plane is important.
By escaping heartbreak, chances are you’ve not had the privilege of truly loving someone and love might just be the most beautiful human experience of all. Loss is the risk we take when we open our hearts to love, there’s no other way.
I know that, though I’ve experienced unrequited love, love that I wasn’t ready for, love that hurt, long-distance love and love that I couldn’t understand in the process, I wouldn’t trade my experiences of love so far for anything.
Every experience of love comes to teach you something.
If you could do it all over again would you?
If you could go back, erase it and avoid the experience, would you?
Every experience of love is a lesson, every experience of love breaks you open a little more, it increases your understanding, your empathy and your capacity to love.
I know it’s hard to see it at the time, but heartbreak is the key to unlocking more of your joy than ever before. Whenever you are ready to make heartbreak your ally, whenever you are courageous enough to sit with the pain and ask it some really important questions, the rewards will be waiting for you on the otherside.
Heartbreak is the risk we take when we choose to love and I hope that, for whatever reason you have found yourself on this post, you are glad you took the risk.
In this blog post, I am going to take you through 20 tips for healing and how to get over someone / how to get over heartbreak. So if you’re wondering how to get over heartbreak, how to get over a break up, how to get over someone or how to get over someone, this post is for you.
Other posts on my blog that you may find useful:
How to get over someone and move forwards from heartbreak
1. Honour how you are feeling, be there.
First and foremost. Please please honour where you are. Give yourself permission, right now, to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Create awareness around your emotions and how you are feeling.
If you want to know how to get over heartbreak, you must first let yourself be in heartbreak.
You will heal and release the pain, only when you have learnt everything that your pain came here to teach you. You cannot release the pain if you are not ready. You cannot force yourself to move on from a breakup or to move on from heartbreak if you are not ready.
Avoiding our pain and distracting ourselves is often the most tempting option to take but it does not dissolve our pain. It covers it up, only to resurface at another time.
Acceptance of what is surfacing within us is the key to truly finding a way through it. Don’t get me wrong. Emotions can be damn difficult to work through at times, it can feel impossible and we’d all be lying if we said we hadn’t tried to avoid, to plaster over and to not think about our emotions along the way. But the truth is, healing from loss and heartbreak is hard work. Showing up for yourself is hard work. But it is worth it. You got this.
I know the key to a lot of my healing this year has been acceptance. Allowing myself to be exactly where I am. Validating every texture that surfaces as an intelligent piece of my puzzle.
It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since your loss, how much it still hurts or how much you’re still feeling. Those emotions you feel are still here for a reason. They are part of your essence and they are attempting to communicate with you. Emotions are signals, they point to the places that require healing within you. Difficult emotions will lead you to the places that need more love within you.
Healing happens by feeling and there’s no time frame on your journey. Give yourself permission to feel everything you’re feeling and know that you will be rewarded for your bravery.
2. Journal through the moments that feel difficult
I used to wonder what the point in journalling was. I used to wonder why I’d take the time to write my thoughts down when I know them, I’m thinking them.
Honestly? Journalling has changed my life.
Journalling is a powerful tool when you’re wondering how to get over heartbreak and how to move on from someone you love.
When we are in a place where we seek change, healing or growth, we must increase our awareness, identify habits and patterns and start making new conscious choices. But we cannot take a new path and stay on a consistent journey along it if we don’t understand why we are doing it, where we have come from and why we are here.
Journalling allows you to:
- see what patterns you have in your life / thoughts / emotions
- track your growth and remind yourself of your journey to empower you
- be completely honest with no fear of judgement
- understand yourself better
Whenever my emotions feel intense and I’m feeling overwhelmed, I now take to my journal. I am then able to distinguish what’s really going on, what I’m really facing and it allows me to be heard. It allows me to listen to myself and to express my emotions.
Just like in tip 1, denying yourself of your emotions is really damaging for your health. Sometimes though, the people around us don’t have the capacity to listen and that’s okay. Fear not, your journal will never let you down.
Doubting it? Do you want to learn how to get over someone you love? Just start. Give it a go.
3. Say hello to grief
From my personal experience, when we end a relationship we are faced with more than one component and something that really helped me to separate out the overwhelm of what I was facing was by splitting apart the ‘heartbreak’ and the grief. In my eyes there’s:
Grief = the natural process after loss when you grieve the past memories and the hopes and dreams you had for the future.
Heartbreak = the meaning you assign to the situation, what this means for you, your ego and your story
I consider ‘heartbreak’ specifically to be those victim voices that say ‘oh great i’m alone again’ ‘he broke my heart’ ‘why did he do this’ ‘i’m never going to find someone’. Again they are very real but they are sabotaging victim thoughts, in your head.
We’ll talk more about rewiring thoughts in the next tips as they are still part of the process and need to be accepted but first we must say hello to the emotions grief.
The 7 common stages of grief:
- shock / numbness
- pain / confusion
- anger / overwhelm
As you move through the stages of grief you may identify with the above feelings and motions. Be kind to yourself as you move through them and know that it is part of the process, you are not alone and you absolutely have the ability to move through this pain and confusion.
4. Decide you’re ready to move forwards
Firstly, you need to set your intention. Do you want to move forwards? Are you ready to commit to moving and growing through this?
There’s no shame in not being ready and there’s no timeline on when you should be ready. You can only feel into and trust your gut on what you need and when. Moving forwards requires you to be on your own side, 100%.
Particularly when it comes to relationships and heartbreak, I truly believe that you cannot move on until you are ready. Sometimes you wll need to run around in the same patterns again and again and again until you come to a place where you truly desire change.
Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve dated a long line of unavailable men in my 20’s and only now, 7 years in am I truly ready to walk away from that pattern. I knew I was choosing this certain ‘style’ of love but I had no idea why. I couldn’t help who I was attracted to so I kept rolling with it until I figured out what part of me accepted that reality. A reality that was no good for me.
You will keep making the same destructive choices until you heal the part of you that has been programmed to craves that type of love. This can take a lot of inner child work to understand and work through. If you’re in a place of wanting to understand your patterns but don’t know where to start, I’d highly recommend seeing a therapist/counsellor to help unravel them with you.
Okay, so you’re ready?
Ready for the actionable steps on how to get over heartbreak? Do you want to learn how to get over someone you love? Here we go…
5. Put all reminders in a box, for now.
Note: Do not destroy (unless you absolutely want to).
Putting all reminders in a box isn’t about ‘forgetting them’, it’s about giving yourself a chance to know and love life without them.
This really helped me recently when my relationship ended. When you love someone, their spirit / memory is weaved into so much of your day to day activity. It’s really triggering when you then lose them because your mind and your thoughts are continually lured into thinking about them. This can become really unhealthy when its all you think about.
It’s really helpful to reduce this mental pain and to give your brain a helping hand when it comes to retraining your neurocircuitry.
I have a box filled with all sorts of things that remind me of my ex. By putting them in a box, I know they are there if I want them but their presence doesn’t disrupt the joy of my day to day thoughts and life.
6. Commit to rewiring your brain and taking back control
Think about it… If you have spent 18 months thinking every day about someone, you will have installed those circuits and they will be hardwired into your brain. You’ll love and care about that person on autopilot.
When you lose someone you love, you will still have that same circuitry and it will now be a trigger, a reminder that they aren’t there anymore. This can take you on some downward spirals and cause you to do some more grieving of the past and future as mentioned before.
The good news is that it is absolutely possible to rewire and retrain your brain and create new circuits that aren’t so painful. But this doesn’t happen instantly. It takes time and commitment.
Commit to it and to the following steps and you will be rewarded. You will begin to witness how to get over heartbreak by the power you find in retraining your mind.
Joe Dispenza is absolutely the person to follow to dive into more neuroscience and science on this topic. His Rewired series on Gaia is phenomenal and this video is also a great starting point…
7. Create a playlist of good vibrations
When you feel yourself getting ‘stuck’ in a loop of negative or sad thoughts, stop, put on a good vibrations playlist and shift your energy.
This takes some practise because naturally, sadness will feel familiar and somewhat comforting. As mentioned before, honour your feelings but notice when you’re in a ‘hole’. I’m sure you know what you’re talking about, we’ve all been in a hole or two.
Create a playlist of all the songs that make you feel good, remind you of good times and have it to hand for those moments where you need a hand out of the hole. Music is energy, emotions are energy, you are energy. Shift your energy with higher energy, quick.
Stop those patterns of wallowing and teach your mind and body back into the present moment.
8. Be aware of love songs and things that affirm your sadness
This is the opposite to tip 7.
When we are sad and low in energy we will naturally look for the things that affirm our sadness. The heartbreak songs, the people going through heartbreak too, the low energy comfort foods. It’s all too easy to sit there in our ego’s story and to pity ourselves. Once you’ve honoured your emotions, don’t sit in them and let them consume you.
Build awareness around this. Watch what you reach for when you’re in pain / sadness and make a list of the things that make you feel good so that you have it to hand to make positive substitutions. Rewiring is hard work, it’s not meant to be easy, but it’s your way out and is so important if you want to know how to get over heartbreak and out of that pain.
9. Talk to your friends, release the pain and open the door to empathy and connection
You do not have to do this alone. You are not expected to do this alone.
Love and connection are what we, as human, are hard-wired for. We need each other. We need to reassure, comfort and connect with each other to remind us who we are and why we are here. We need to know that we aren’t alone, even when we feel it and reaching out to friends is the most beautiful way to do this.
Do you want to learn how to get over someone you love? Fill your life with all the people that love you and remind yourself that you are worthy, loveable and deserving of all you desire.
10. Surround yourself with people on a healing journey like you are
When you are experiencing loss or heartbreak it’s important to know that when you speak to people, they will only be able to speak from their own experiences so far.
There will be some friends that you feel ‘get it’ and comfort you, some that you feel ‘don’t understand at all’ and some that inspire you to step into more of who you are and to grow.
It’s important to honour where everyone is and honour everyone’s unique lens when it comes to opinions, advice and guidance.
It’s so important to surround yourself with people that inspire you and are on a healing journey too.
I happened to be studying Conscious Connected Breathwork and Sacred Tantra Yoga during my break up and so both of these courses provided me with the perfect communities to support my healing. I owe so much of my healing to these communities in the sense that they could honour where I was and support me however I showed up.
There are so many communities/healing circles and more online now. Put it out to the universe, book onto a healing circle, reach out to that person that inspires you and find your tribe.
11. Ask for help
When you ask for help you are admitting that you do not know it all (which you don’t, none of us do), and that you would like to connect, to share experiences and to grow together.
Asking for help is a vulnerable thing to do and something that doesn’t come naturally for everyone.
It’s definitely something I’ve had to learn. Asking for help, to me, has always meant relying on someone and exposing myself to being let down. But, over the years, in not asking for help and in fearing being let down, I missed out on so much connection and wisdom.
Now when I need help, I ask for it. It’s human, it’s how we grow, connect and build community.
12. Make room for new experiences, songs, study, brainstorm your passions
Whilst you’re training your brain out of old patterns and grieving a life you had with someone / future you wanted with someone, it’s the perfect time to invite new opportunities and passions into your life.
The key to change and moving on from someone you love / how to get over heartbreak is to step into the unknown and allow new doors to open for you.
- take up a new hobby
- book a weekend experience
- study something new
- create new playlists
- brainstorm your dream life
- move somewhere new
- do that thing you’ve always dreamt of doing
13. Be patient with yourself and allow for sadness
The process of moving on from heartbreak or someone you love is not a linear process.
Some days will feel easy, some will feel debilitating, some will feel okay, some will feel euphoric.
Be patient and don’t judge your journey. There is no such thing as taking a step back or going back to square one. When we are building a new toolkit and making changes in our life we will be presented with challenges to test out our new strength and it won’t always go smoothly.
The key to moving through heartbreak, loss and change is practise, commitment and patience.
14. Learn how to self soothe, write a list of things that made you feel good
When the sadness comes, which it will, allow it to say hello and practise self-soothing. Take some time to look after yourself in those moments to reassure yourself that you are okay, you are not alone, you are safe, you are loved and this feeling will pass.
Some self-soothing that I find useful:
- Buy my favourite ingredients and cook my favourite meal
- Take myself on a walk to my favourite place in nature
- Have a bath
- Treat myself to some new body oils / self care goodness
- deep breathing
Having a good toolkit of self-soothing activities is life-changing. That way, just like with the journal, you always know you have support. You know you always have you.
Becoming your own best friend and realising that life won’t be without its challenges but that you will always have yourself is life changing.
15. Keep journalling
On the good days. On the not so good days. On all the days.
I already look back on the challenges I was working through 2 months ago like… wow I’ve come a long way.
Journalling has so many benefits but one of the biggest ones is realising just how far you’ve come. It gives me so much motivation as to how far I’ll continue to go.
16. Invest in a therapist to own your story and patterns
Honestly, I could sit here for days talking about the benefits I’ve found from seeing a therapist.
Therapy doesn’t just mean talking therapy (counselling), there are so many types of healing modalities that you can invest in, depending on what you are dealing with.
I’ve been to a counsellor 3/4 times over the past 10 years when I’ve needed a little extra guidance and support and I recently invested in 3 months with an EFT and energy psychologist to work through trauma and energy blockages in my body.
I know we can have one experience of therapy and it ‘doesn’t work for us’ but if you are truly committed to your healing path, I ask you to keep your heart open.
Just like with a yoga class or with your school teachers, some you will click with, some you won’t but don’t let one bad experience define the entirety of that activity.
It might take you 2/3 therapists/types of therapy to find one that resonated with you but when you find it – the rewards are beyond your imagination.
17. Move out of your analytical mind and into your body
This follows on from the energy shifting tips of music and your happy list. When your brain gets stuck in a pattern or routine that doesn’t serve you and is self-sabotaging it’s important to take control, raise your awareness and consciously work with your brain to create new circuits. It’s also important to give your brain some time off.
If I get into an emotional experience, e.g. after the phonecall that ended my relationship I:
- journalled (to honour how I’m feeling and release my truth)
- took some deep breaths (to signal to my nervous system that we weren’t in danger and that everything is okay)
- went for a run (to dispel the excess energy and release it whlst grounding in nature)
Moving your body is such an important resource during a heartbreak / experience of loss. Why? Because your brain will be working over time trying to work it all out and analyse it all. That’s a very exhausting experience and there are some things you cannot possibly work out or find solutions for.
By switching your attention from your mind and coming into your body you will shift that energy immediately and come back into the present moment. You will switch out of your analytical mind and into your conscious awareness, where peace is found.
When you really really really don’t want to move your body and get outside, that’s exactly when you need to. You need to remind yourself that you committed to healing, that it wasn’t going to be easy and that these are the moments you have to dig deep to make new choices and patterns.
18. Keep your phone out of reach before sleep and when you wake (ideally out of the room)
I have left my phone on aeroplane mode in the kitchen for the last 2 weeks since I walked away from my recent relationship. The first day after, I didn’t do it and I woke to see his texts weren’t there, I dived into his social media, I read over old messages, I self-sabotaged.
When I noticed what an awful mood that put me in and how much previous time it wasted, I made a promise to myself there and then that I would not continue this pattern.
I checked in with myself and said ‘do you want to heal?’
And so every night and every morning I have an hour with no phone. Now I do not wake looking for messages, contact or memories. I do not look to the past because what I’m looking for is not there. The pattern has been rewired and the pain relief is real.
You. Got. This.
If you truly want to know how to get over heartbreak, you have got to be strong. Do you want to learn how to get over someone you love? You have got to stick with it.
19. Trust that it is ALL part of your journey and you are perfectly on time to getting to your dreams
You may not believe me when I say this but… you are perfectly on time.
Everything is unfolding before you exactly as it should. This is meant to be happening. These are the days that need to happen for you to upgrade to the next chapter of your life.
Let these experiences upgrade you, don’t let yourself stay in them and wallow.
You have a beautiful world around you and it’s waiting for you to reconnect and live your dream future! You have everything you need to live it within you already.
20. Use routine to stay focused
Routine is so key when moving through grief, loss or heartbreak. Keeping your mind from going down those self-sabotaging patterns that keep you stuck is absolutely essential.
You don’t need to be overly strict with routine but it helps a lot of people if they have a routine written out to give them focus and strength.
Create a healthy routine, write it out and be sure to include the following. Come back to it whenever you need to and whenever you fall off track:
- drinking water
- eating nutritious food
- speaking with friends
- moving your body
- being in nature
- building / working towards your dreams
Have you got any tips for healing heartbreak and how to get over someone you love?
Anything you’d add?
Love as always and happy adventuring,
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